Tuesday, March 8, 2011

As the tears flow...

The past couple of weeks I've been reading stories about mothers who've lost their children, their babies, their lives... Every time I read one of these stories or watch a memorial video on YouTube, I'm drowning in tears. I just can't hold them back. I can't Imagine if those pictures were of my children, of my baby, of my life... I want to question God when I see things like this. It breaks my heart and soul, and deep down in my gut, I can feel something break. Little innocent children and babies lives are being taken, and cruel and evil killers get to live? That's just something I don't understand fully. How is that fair? Why don't they get to live a wonderful life filled with love and hope? Why do serial killers get to live and murder people?

Going back to the thought that I can't bare. If one of my children died (God forbid) my whole life would crumble. Seeing these stories of SIDS makes me question every moment I have with my 5 month old son, Cohen. I can't imagine my life without him, or without my Kai Bug. I'm sobbing just thinking that it COULD happen to anyone, including me. I love my children so much and now I stay up longer just to make sure they are breathing, I watch their every move, I don't get as frustrated with them when they wont stop crying, or when my 18 month old decides she wants to throw a fit in the middle of Walmart. I've been taking in EVERY moment possible. I usually like to see myself as a "the glass is half-full" kind of person, but in all reality I think of it this way: It depends on how the glass got that way... Meaning, the glass is ONLY half-full if it is FILLED to the halfway point, and the glass is ONLY half-empty if it is EMPTIED to the halfway point. I don't know if that makes me a pessimistic or an optimistic, but that's what I think.

I always over-think things. I could be hauling Kailey on my hip and go through a doorway and I'll think to myself, "What if I had hit her head on the door jam and busted her head open? Blood oozing everywhere, do I call 911? Do I rush to to the ER? If I rush to the ER do I have to put her in her car seat, because, in all honesty, it takes 2 minutes to do that... and if I waste 2 minutes, then something bad could happen, right?" Not sure why I do this. But I do know it started after I had Kailey. Maybe because I'm so scared of loosing her. I really don't know. But I do know that I love her, and I love Cohen, and I would do anything for them.

I can only imagine what these families that lost their children are going through. I did get a glimpse of the pain though. I had a dream a few nights back, and I woke up in utter shock. In my dream, I had just given birth to my precious baby boy, only I didn't remember it. The only reason I knew I had given birth is because someone told me we had to attend his funeral. Apparently, in my dream, he had died a few days, maybe hours, after I gave birth to him. I never got to hold him, never got to see him, never got to touch his face, or see him smile. I didn't get to change a diaper, put on his clothes, or wrap him ever so snugly in a receiving blanket. I didn't want to believe it. I had to see for myself, so I ran to the front doors of the funeral home, but they wouldn't let me in. I had to wait and enter last because there was a line to see my baby. Then the dream changed to an outdoor setting at dusk. It almost looked like a backyard. This was his burial site, his final resting place. I burst into tears at the site of such a small casket. (No, they shouldn't have to make caskets that small.) I finally got to see my baby, but once I got there, his face was a blur. After the funeral people tried to make me feel better, and all I remember saying is that I didn't get to hold him. Then I woke up to him crying and needing to be fed. I couldn't help but cry my eyes out. I haven't had such a vivid dream since I was pregnant, but it felt so real. It was such a horrible feeling.

Like I said before I don't know what I'd do if I lost either of my children. Honestly, I think that I'd be curled up in a ball in my bed for months. I don't get how a healthy baby can just stop breathing, and I definitely don't understand why. My heart aches for EVERYONE who has EVER lost a child. No baby or child should ever have to die. You all are so strong. And as I sit here typing this, listening to my children breathe as they sleep, I'm thinking about all your children who are no longer here.Who no longer get to spend precious moments with their loved ones, who don't get to experience their first birthday, their first holiday, their first kiss, or their own wedding. Those children who are missed oh so much by loving families who want answers, but may never get them. Who no longer get to breath this world in. Even thought this is a bad and evil world sometimes, it's so worth it to be able to live. Life isn't fair sometimes, but what doesn't kill us will only make us stronger.

Tonight I want to honor a few of the children with wings.

Paisly Grace Davenport: 6/21/2010 (Born Sleeping)
Michael Cohen Marshall: 6/7/10 - 6/18/10 (Congenital heart defect)
"Maddie" Staats: 10/14/2010 - 2/17/2011 (most likely SIDS)
Savanna Dawn Bouge: 3/28/2010 - 11/12/2011 (most likely SIDS)
Kelsey Smith Briggs: 12/28/2002 - 10/11/2006 (Blunt force trauma to abdomen)
McKenzie Grace: 12/23/2007 (Born Sleeping)
Carly Elliotte: 11/15/2007 Lived 4 months in NICU (Heart Defect)
Hannah Elliotte: 11/7/2008 (Born Sleeping)
Bradley: 8/16/2008 (Born Sleeping)
Audrey Caroline: 4/7/2008 (Lived 2 hours with many defects)
...and many, many more

May you all Rest In Peace!

Tonight my heart is broken
</3 Kayla 

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